Dedication
This blog is for my sister, Hannah, who told me tonight over Facetime amidst light conversation & witty banter that she believes I may not appreciate everything she does for me. Hannah, you are intelligent in that I do not appreciate everything you do for me, but I am thankful for your suggestion to read Sherry Argov's book. I will always love you like a sister.
Introduction
I’m currently reading the book “Why Men Love Bitches.” In this #1 bestseller, Sherry Argov hilariously utilizes her own made-up “Attraction Principals” to delve into the many ways in which the “nice girl” is doing it ALL wrong when it comes to relationships. It’s freshly 2021, and I guess that means it’s officially time to stick it to poise and stop being complicit in the crime of compliance.
Argov argues that in a relationship, especially at the beginning of a new one, you have to leave the other person wanting more without pushing them away, right? We’ve all heard it before. Guys L-O-V-E love the chase. When something sits just out of his arms reach, his unattractive competitive male nature (a common birth defect seen in many boys) forces him to work harder in order to reach this desired thing. And just as endorphins are released from the body during a physical workout, this metaphorical chase excites and energizes him too. While attempting to catch what he wants, all he can do in the meantime is imagine how amazing this thing must be to actually have to himself. But then he catches it, thus ending his metaphorical chase. At that point, the high hopes and excitement experienced from this endorphin-like release deplete rapidly into his own disinterest and dissatisfaction because whatever he just caught did not live up to that self-created hype. Once briefly rested up after some Xbox-playing, Oreo Pop-Tart & Chipotle eating, and unsuccessful sports betting, he’ll be ready to ambitiously chase after the next best thing again… soon realizing that the next best thing isn’t so great either. And the cycle repeats itself.
The problem with this reality is that a lot of the time, girls don’t enjoy running. And when the girl’s not running, the boy can’t chase her. Therefore, he loses interest at the same rate she desperately tries to increase it. She wants to know exactly how he feels without having to assume anything herself. Although, she’ll always assume and allow her mind to spiral no matter how straightforward he is with her (a common birth defect seen in many girls). So, instead of working to make herself desirable, she makes it arguably too easy for him to catch her, instead. Rather than giving him space, she overcompensates for his disinterest by altering her own personality into a picture-perfect “nice girl.” She knowingly shrinks herself down to fit into his mold in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he might start to show more interest if she is acting as this new & improved person designed specifically for his liking. The “nice girl” doesn’t make him chase her because she wouldn’t want to mess up her hair but also because she is too impatient to wait for him to naturally reveal how he really feels. Ironically, he’d probably rather die than tell her what she wants to hear… because this “nice girl” is beyond annoying and SO available it’s both unattractive & semi-concerning.
Girls use love calculators, magic 8 balls, and talk to psychics, therapists, moms, and friends, all while dissecting his every text, shared physical touch, and friendly conversation with the hope to ultimately reveal that he is, in fact, into her. A good majority of the time, girls do all of this before they’ve even really considered if they genuinely like him as person. I swear it takes one kiss, one text, one stupid snapchat capturing 40% of his face with no written content & you could have an intelligent liberal girl speedily applying more mascara and searching for the perfect lighting for her response instead of thinking hey, I wonder if that Trump flag hanging behind him is his. And this, right here, is exactly who Sherry Argov would call the “nice girl.”
Argov emphasizes that there is nothing wrong with being nice, but the “nice girl” gives too much and forgets that it’s not only okay--but also important!--to have her own opinion and standards. The “nice girl” puts on makeup right after she showers because she might see him in the dining hall. The “nice girl” tries to talk shop about sports that she doesn’t even watch in order to impress him. The “nice girl” sold a pair of shoes on Poshmark last week to make 20$ but offers to buy him a coffee because she knows he was out late last night & needs a hangover pick-me-up. The “nice girl” spends two hours curling her hair and doing her eye makeup just to watch him spend his entire Friday evening looking at other girls while wearing a pitted-out white tee. The “nice girl” gets rosy-cheeked after receiving a “wyd” text message at 12 a.m. The “nice girl” asks him questions & gives him her own answers after listening to his even though he didn’t ask and isn't interested. And, unfortunately, we’ve all been the “nice girl” at some point.
The “nice girl” needs to chill & it takes some serious practice trying to stop being the “nice girl.” Just remember that the “nice girl” would marry an ugly unsuccessful cheater and knowingly stay around until he divorces her for the next best thing.
I suggest trying to stop being the “nice girl” as of yesterday. But maybe you don’t have a person of interest or significant other to try this out with, and that’s alright! In this upcoming Spring 2021 semester, we can actually try out some of Argov’s wisdom with our own PROFESSORS. This might sound crazy, but hear me out.
From what I’ve experienced and seen first-hand, professor-to-student connections are arguably some of the neediest, most toxic relationships out there. Professors demand that students ignore their otherwise busy schedules typically two to three times a week for mandatory class meetings. Professors rarely allow students get a word into the conversation, and they typically get upset if the student were to start talking without any warning. They force students to sit around, an hour or more at a time, and have the audacity to be frustrated if the students were to pick up a phone call or answer a text message during their lengthy & repetitive rant. They condescendingly advise students to take notes while they speak, as if they’re spoken word is going to be the next bible. Then, once the student is done listening to the professor gab on about a topic which they didn’t even ask if the student found interesting, they send the student home with work, & you guessed it, on the professor’s topic of choice. Of course, in a relationship there has to be some give and take. Accepting or involving yourself in the other person’s interests and hobbies is crucial to maintaining a stable and mutually beneficial relationship. But let me tell you, students are giving professors too much & making themselves too available. Just like Argov’s “nice girl,” the typical student completes assignments and attends classes while catering more specifically to the professor’s wants while disregarding their own. When you give a mouse a cookie or give your professor an A paper, they begin to wrongly expect even more... even when the cookie jar is empty and there is no letter grade higher than an A. Now that’s definitely some whack grade-A BS!
Are You in A Toxic Relationship with Your Professor? A POP QUIZ
1. Does your professor keep tabs on you or mark you down if you miss class? Yes. No.
2. Does your professor typically spend the majority of class speaking on something of his/her interest? Yes. No.
3. Does your professor keep you up late at night doing his/her classwork? Yes. No.
4. Would your professor be irritated if you asked for an extension on work for his/her class but then they saw you out at a bar without you telling him/her that you were going out? Yes. No.
5. Does it feel like your professor might be keeping secrets about his/her personal life outside of the classroom? Yes. No.
6. Does your professor avoid asking about your family, personal life, or past relationships? Yes. No.
7. Does your professor avoid taking you home to meet his/her parents? Yes. No.
8. Has your professor ever cancelled class last-minute without much of a heads up? Yes. No.
If you answered “Yes” to one or more of these questions, that likely means that you’re dealing with a toxic, one-sided relationship fueled ignorantly by your compliance and his/her high expectations. In these next three chapters, I will teach you how to avoid being the “nice girl” this semester while, simultaneously, freeing up your schedule and getting those A-mazing grades.
Chapter 1: Lawyer Up, It’s Syllabus Week
Do not forget that the syllabus is a professor’s prenup. In this commonly lengthy document written up by your professor, he/she will tell you what they expect out of this relationship. If you ever fail to meet their abundant wants and absurd standards, they then get to tell you that this has always been where they stood, and you should already know that. This makes it difficult for you to contest their views and expectations because it’s always been right there, in writing! The proof is in the pudding, and I suggest you do not take a bite. This semester, when your professors tell you to read over their syllabi, just remember that if they’re not reading EVERY word of it with you, they’re likely hoping that you miss something and mess up later. They love to be right, so prove them wrong. Make sure to bring your lawyer to syllabus week and prepare your own lengthy document detailing what you expect of your professors in return. One-sided relationships are toxic, and your professor could likely use that healthy reminder in writing as well.
Chapter 2: Suggesting Therapy to Your Professor: It’s Never A Bad Idea
Once, twice, maybe even three or more times a week, your professor holds a poor man’s TedTalk and argues that your attendance is mandatory. What students do not all fully appreciate is that professors who make attending their class mandatory are actually self-conscious that if they didn’t do so, nobody would show up at all. Without overstepping, it may be helpful to suggest that your professor seek therapy in order to dive deeper into his/her insecurities brought on by the fear of potential mass absences. Or, if you think that conversation might be going a hair too far, just stay after class to ask your professor a simpler question: “Is class mandatory because you’re jealous that we have busy lives and probably wouldn’t show up often if it wasn’t?” or “Do you feel that your lectures are really the most interesting that they can be?” Professors test students constantly by having them reevaluate and examine their own opinions, beliefs, and work habits, but it is equally important to test your professor right back. These two simple questions could fuel a much longer & deeper conversation regarding your professor’s efforts & struggles with insecurity & jealousy. Afterwards, he/she will likely thank you for that free therapy session. In the case that these questions do not feed into that type of good conversation, just recommend professional therapy again. Nobody ever responds poorly to that. When in doubt, suggest the shrink. If you don’t check in every once-in-a-while, your professor might become too power-hungry, and next thing you know, attendance isn’t only mandatory, so are out of class meetings. Take control of an over controlling professor by reminding him/her that nobody died and made them king/queen. No more “nice girl,” prof. We know your game, and we’re not playing it. Bowing down ain’t in the books, Buster. P.S. tell your shrink you need weekly instead of biweekly sessions.
Chapter 3: Scrap That Attendance Sheet, It’s Creepy
Has your professor ever emailed you about missing one or more classes? If you decided to stop showing up, would you start to see a decline in your grade? If the answer is yes, you need to understand that you are likely dealing with a type A stalker. This type of stalker is clean and organized in their work. They want you to know that they know you were missing from their class. It’s no secret that they see you even when they can’t physically see you. Perhaps they’re obsessed or maybe they’re just overly clingy. The safest way to stop your professor from keeping tabs on you without creating too much drama is to leave a physical note in your seat after class that reads something like: “Professor, I know you’re stalking me & unless you want the media to hear about this, I suggest you give me an A.” Despite your professor being so demanding, your note was straightforward and sweet. While being upfront, this letter shows your professor that you’re not into his twisted games. Additionally, by not demanding but suggesting this “A” letter grade, it makes your professor feel like they still have some power. Never agree to speak with your professor outside of class regarding this note though. Your professor will likely use that time to brainwash you through a carefully worded and calm hypnosis explaining why his/her attendance sheet does not mean he/she is stalking you. Don’t drink the Kool-Aid. Don’t even give them the opportunity to pour it. After leaving a note like this, you also need to stand your ground by never showing up to class again. By attending class regularly, you show your professor that you’re always available for them. It paints you as weak & needy and may make your professor pay less attention to you while you are there. On the other hand, if you stop showing up entirely, your professor is left wondering how and where you are. A little mystery is healthy in any relationship, but predictability has never birthed intrigue. The “nice girl” might have apologized for her absence or even sent an email beforehand to explain why she’d be out of class. Here, the “nice girl” disregards the fact that someone is keeping tabs on her. She forgets that she should be able to roam free. This is America for God’s sake. Remember, you never have to explain yourself or your behavior to anyone about anything at all ever.
Conclusion
No more “nice girl” this semester. Staying out of school is cool, and in the long run, your absence and straightforwardness will develop more deep-rooted and long-lasting relationships with your professors. Remember, don’t lose yourself once those syllabi come out. Come to class with a new red pen and mark those babies up! Professors love to hear your suggestions. Let’s stick it to poise and turn compliancy into complacency. Remind your professors how lucky they are to have YOU in their class. See you bossy chics on campus soon!
What keeps you up at night? Not classwork!
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