Happy birthday, momma.
Today would have been the big fifty-five.
God, what I'd give for one more celebration & you still alive.
To have our cake & eat it too,
to share dessert & laughs with you.
To feel your hand enwrapped in mine.
Dances in the kitchen & kisses goodnight.
I'd never sleep again if it meant I could be awake with you,
To visit that café, our kitchen island or porch sipping our morning brew.
But you'd rather I don't try this method & just close my eyes,
Because when I fall into sleep, so do my cries.
But eight months later,
I still weep awake at the sight of your empty desk, car, & shoes,
All frozen in time, vacated by a tragic death you didn’t choose.
We shared no cake nor party last birthday, which was your last birthday, fifty-four years,
Fearing frosting might feed the cancer & a virus might spread through too many friendly cheers.
You deserved that party, that cake, the whole wide world,
None of which I could gift to you, my beautiful, beautiful girl.
You deserved fifty-five, & sixty-five, & one-hundred plus a nickel,
But your timer ticked quicker, a change in our plans so unfortunately fickle.
You never did complain about only getting those fifty-four,
Although, you loved your life & would’ve loved to love it for more.
Your death was too soon, odd to me at your young even age.
Your future untold & story unfinished – empty page after empty page.
Your hair should have greyed, you fallen to age, grown old,
Your story continued to be written by you instead of now having to be told.
Twenty blessed years of love from a mother,
But I so badly wanted two-hundred more, or twenty, or just another.
You raised me never to count or compare
My blessings to somebody else,
But I do think it’s unfair, you in that box,
dust collecting dust on our living room shelf.
So, I accidentally count up all the things you’ll miss
Like hearing the four special words, “I love you, Chris.”
Will’s first date, two sons on their knees.
Five weddings, & three daughters’ pregnancies,
Trips around the world with dad,
Ones you’d planned to take in the time you thought you had.
All the family & friends not ready for life without you yet,
But I know, I know… you get what you get & you don’t get upset.
Fifty-five years would have been today,
And instead of cake or a party, I pray.
Thanking God lots, asking for eternity soon,
Talking to you, in the sky, at the moon.
Fifty-five would’ve looked so good on you.
But what didn’t?
You were a vision in everything, & every room, & everyone knew.
So, make your wish, & I’ll make mine.
It’s not my birthday, I just make them all the time.
I’ll share my wish later on with you,
When we’re back together, & it finally comes true.
Happy birthday, my sweet angel momma,
The missing you, our goodbyes, this trauma,
A few more birthdays & it'll all be worth it,
Once we’re together for infinity & not just a bit.
Forever & a day.
For that, I'll always pray,
Until we can once again have our cake & eat it too,
And I get to share dessert & laughs with you.
To feel your hand enwrapped in mine.
Dances in the kitchen & kisses in the sky.
What keeps you up at night?
Celebrating you in everything I do.
Love,
Me.
Love
You.
Comments